Literarily the WORST kind of authors and FIVE instances of asshatery

This could end up being a very long post, because there's a lot of waffle dicks out there, but I want to keep it short and light, so I'll name FIVE instances that will turn me off an author to the point that I add them to my NEVER read pile and put their picture up on my dartboard.

So let's get started.

 

5. Constant Ego Masturbators

These ones are actually kinda fun to watch, when you learn to spot them. Picture them getting soooo close to coming as they tell you about all their accomplishments. This often happens when you're having a regular, unrelated conversation, and they interrupt everyone to brag. Congratulating them is not enough, they need a certain number of strokes before they find release!

"Oh, you have a dog? I wrote an award winning book about a
Tasseled wobbegong! And I've been on three radio shows to talk about it, it's such an awesome piece of literary fiction. Have you read it yet? You really should. Charlie Sheen wrote a review for it...one second, I'll find it for you...'

Authors aren't the only ones who do this, but I go to enough events to see who the self-lovers are. Don't shake their hands, they haven't washed them yet.

4. The always ON 'BUYBUYBUY' robots.

I actually feel bad for these poor souls. Their smiles seem plastered on, and I always look for staples at either side of their lips. It looks painful! (The smiles, not the staples, though I imagine those would be too).

Look, I get it. Selling books is hard, yo! How else will anyone know they need to buy your book unless you tell them.

Repeatedly.

Slipping it into every single conversation.

OH! And btw, did I mention I have a book?

While we're talking about sex toys and dick sizes, it makes me think of this scene in my book!

You're eating chicken! My characters eat chicken too! Only, they're werebears, and don't cook them first. You should read the book! It's called 'Werebears fuck and EAT CHICKEN!'

3. The USERS

This one is tricky, because it's hard to know when someone is a user, who connects with others simply to further their own career, and who's just moved to a different place in their life. We've all had friends we haven't spoken to for long periods of time because life happens.

With friendship, what's awesome is reconnecting after years as if nothing's changed. I actually have a friend I haven't seen since high school, that might be coming to see me. Both exciting and terrifying!

And completely besides the point! lol

Anyway, for this one, I'm talking about the clear cut, 'Why are you talking to me? Do I know you?' type people.

When you meet a lot of people, it's completely understandable that after some time, you might not recognize someone. But if they were your BEST FRIEND when there was something in it for you?

You, my dear, are a waffledick.

This goes along with some of the cliquish behavior you see, and it's kinda sad. It was ugly in high school, and it doesn't get any prettier. I notice when authors behave this way toward other authors. Or readers.

I'd say 'OR WORSE' readers, but the funny thing is, most authors ARE readers. And when I see an author being a total dick to people they don't find useful? Ya, I don't care if their book would make me laugh, cry, and come harder than if I was getting tag teamed by Chrlie Hunnam and Jason Momoa, I won't touch it.

2. Drama Queens

 Life is hard.

Let me repeat that.

Life is VERY hard. It will fuck you every which way, and does it every use lube? Of course not! 

Thankfully, I like it rough. ;)

This one is kinda a double edged sword. Some people say authors should never bring up their personal struggles. At all. Ever. All readers care about it the books, right?

I disagree. I love seeing that the authors I follow are human. That they go through some of the same things I do, that they don't live in perfect worlds where sexy maids in little uniforms serve them all day while pool boys in thongs are used as footstools.

That would be kinda fun though...must work on getting me a few of those when I become a billionaire and take over the world!

*clears throat* Anywho, sharing and being relatable is good.

But I get tired of people who are always miserable. Yes, depression is a thing, and I hope anyone who feels they might have a problem gets the help they need. I also believe there are people who aren't depressed, they need attention. No happy 'YOU GO, GIRL! I love the cute stick figure you drew!' would work for them.

It always must be a 'I'm so sorry you stubbed your toe again. And that your hair iron broke. And your double double was served without double anything.' *sadface*

Worse than these are the authors that actually USE drama to sell books. But I won't get into that. Trying to decide who's genuine, and who's making things up to get sympathy sales is a slippery slope. There are signs though, and people do notice. It's the most disgusting thing you can do.

Does it work? IDK. It seems to, and I have noticed certain trends, but for me, the book needs to sell itself to a point. If I see you jumping through too many hoops to get attention, I start wondering if the best story you have to tell is the one about your cat being held for ransom.

I would totally donate to a fund for that though. I love cats!

1. Scary Crazy Fuckers

This one's the easiest! lol

If I see stories about you following reviewers to their house to threaten them? I ain't buying your books. I may offer some advice though.

Get professional help.

Some lesser cases of this has authors that will comment on every review, stalk fans on twitter, and attack anyone who says anything negative about their precious. They will go on rants, insulting readers, other authors, and claiming that their art is the only TRUE art and no one understands it because obviously, everyone who is not a fan is stupid.

They also have shrines in their office, covered with every rejection letter they've ever gotten. And a list of names of people to take their revenge on.

Actually, maybe I SHOULD check out their books. They could probably write a decent horror novel, filled with all their plans for the people who wronged them.

*shudder*

Do you agree with the list? Have any author crimes that you'd like to add? Let me know in the comments! :)

In less than TWO WEEKS I'll be in Atlanta! Hope to see some of you there! For those that can't make it, I'll take some pics and try to collect some swag so I can do a giveaway here.

Now, back to writing the next, great American novel!

Just kidding! lol! I'm just playing with Pisch and the triplets. But I'm having a blast and I can't WAIT to share this with you all!!! <3