Sunday, March 20, 2016
Gay For You and the real danger...
As I wrote this, I planned to save it. Put it aside for a bit and decide if I really want to post it at all. But I've never been a coward. And I'm not gonna hold my tongue now.
This whole situation is frustrating and as good at I am at the word thing, I'm not sure I have the right ones to express how I feel.
I've seen questions about this before, and to me, it was clear.
Can a woman have been with men, and now identify as a lesbian if she falls in love with a woman and only wants to be with that one woman for the rest of her life?
I would say yes. She can claim that identity. Maybe it wasn't how she felt ten years ago, but it is who she is today.
BUT WAIT! That ruins the whole idea of being born a certain way. You can't change who you are. She's bisexual.
Now, in my opinion, THAT'S harmful. Someone else is choosing how she can identify.
She is only one person, but I don't think anyone has the right to decide who she is aside from her.
Love is a funny thing. It doesn't always follow the idea of right and wrong and easy. People have been fighting for a long time to be able to love openly, in whatever way works for them. It's an important fight.
Except, often, that fight is a beast that turns on its own and does more damage from within.
Bisexuals have faced that for a long time. And this new fight is one that's pitting THEM against one another. The idea that a book, or a genre, has that kind of power is troubling. We are not letting people claim who they are, we are telling them what they can be.
If you're bisexual, clearly you've always been so. Science proves it. The spectrum only works when it can be used to claim the general point. If you fall close to the gay side, then you're on that side. Unless they say you're not.
Myself. I'm all kinds of wrong. I'm not monogamous. I've always been honest about that. Which means I must be a slut and have no place in any of these conversations. They're for the grownups that know only two people belong in a real relationship.
Yes, because erasing every non-monogamous person strengthens your point. Got it.
The GFY argument erases any possibility of love at first sight. Of a man or woman having been in happy, opposite sex relationships their whole life and then meeting that one person that changes things for them. They MUST then identify as bisexual. And they always were, right?
My issue with that is that is the same argument bisexual people have all the time. I CAN be bisexual, even though I'm only with one person. I can ALSO be bisexual and not have to choose. The freedom is what we've been fighting for.
I don't believe I get to take that freedom away from anyone because of my fight. If a woman gets a divorce, and falls in love with a woman who gives her everything she needs, she CAN identify as a lesbian. It's HER identity. She's not harming the bisexual, or the gay, community by doing so.
My readers come from all kinds of backgrounds. I've had MANY poly people tell me they appreciate how I write the subject. I don't write it like a fantasy, like it's something that could never happen. I write it like it could and DOES.
By doing so. I apparently hurt the bisexual image, because people assume all bisexuals want to party all the time and fuck everyone. I am so bad and wrong and thus, I will be shunned. Which is fine.
I'm bisexual, so I'm used to being told I'm confused.
Do you see how this all goes in a great big ugly circle? Where no one really fits unless they're doing things the 'right way'?
YOUR identity is your own. You have a right to claim it, in whatever way works for you. You can be monogamous, poly, gay, straight, and bi. And that may change. Science proves some people are born predisposed to be gay. And yes, they are born that way and should not be judged.
Should they be judged if they find love later in life? If they don't feel they were born that way? Does that erase the identity of those that were or is there only one argument that works for equality?
I don't believe there is. I don't believe there should be razor sharp lines cutting out anyone that doesn't fit into one idea of who belongs.
Discussions need to happen. Should those writing 'gay for you' be aware of more than just the idea of two hot guys fucking?
Does that mean the stories have no place? No. Insta love has a place. Why? Because it happens. It doesn't make slowly developing love any less special. It's another flavor. Another way to find happiness.
There ARE men and women out there who found love and it changed them. And some authors see this as beautiful and want to write about it. You don't get to silence them because they don't fit with what you believe. There are labels, but the only people who get to claim them are the ones who want to. There's no stamp carrying god out there that chooses who MUST carry a certain label.
What is needed is acceptance. In real life. And right now I see the hatred being thrown at books making REAL people feel like they don't belong anywhere.
And that's wrong. That's damaging. And it has to stop.