The EVIL of FREE and everything else you authors are doing wrong *smjh*

I think we need to have a serious talk. On this carpet right here. Readers, you might want to stay for this, because I think it's important we get this straightened out before our sweet little authors go out there and piss all up in the public pool of literacy.

Listen, there's a formula for how you're supposed to price books. One you must follow! I don't know who all you independent authors think you are, but you have to answer for your transgressions. There's been a lot of talk around the water cooler and you're upsetting the masses.

So, you want to give your readers a taste of all those words you spend days, weeks, months, maybe YEARS dumping onto all those pages? Then you paid for editing, a pretty cover, and formating. You made it look all professional.

*pats author on the head*

That's some quality work right there. It has value and don't you forget that! Not as much value as it would have if you'd climbed out of some slush pile in New York, but...oh, wait, we're not judging by that anymore? Well why the fuck not? There's got to be some way to decide what's superior!

Humph!

Anyway, all right, let's PRETEND we're all equal. And focus on VALUE. Your novel has value and we don't want to hear that it's not worth much gathering dust on a shelf. That really isn't the case with virtual shelves, now is it? If you leave your precious work of ART on the shelf, someone will find it and they'll pay you what it's WORTH.

FREE??? You want to make your book FREE?

BWAHAHAHA!!!

You're joking, right? Wait, you're not? 

All right, this is EXACTLY why we have to have this chat. Do you know WHAT you're doing to my bank account when you just give away what I've been working so hard on? Picture tiny little Gremlins with their greedy little green claws all over the money I would have earned if you weren't messing with the whole structure of the artistic community! Did you miss the rules? There are RULES to being an INDIE author! Didn't you get the memo?

All is not lost though. If you smarten up, we may all be saved. Now have some Koolaid, go sit the fuck down, and behave yourself.

*sigh* And yet, you're still speaking. Do readers like free books? Well yes! of course they do! They've been trained to like them within the last TWO years because before that NOTHING was free! Why would you train your readers to not see that they should be buying my book?

WHY, DAMN YOU!!!

When you have your own pet readers, you must train them a certain way to benefit us all. We as a Borg collective like the idea of training them to read the valuable literature we've presented and appreciate all the blood, sweat, and tears like a fine wine. One does not always love wine when one first tries it, but if you want to fit in at fancy diners, you have to learn to love it. 

 No, you can't have wine now. You're bad. And you haven't finished your Koolaid.

While we're having this chat, let's talk about trends. You absolutely MUST avoid ever seeming to follow them. Stride new ground and write what has never been written. We don't care if you have a passion for sports, or rockers, or motorcycles. Find billionaires sexy? Too bad! The ranks of authors writing all those is completely full.

You must always write long or short, and while you may whine and complain as much as you want, make sure you always have your happy face on! The whining must serve a purpose that helps us all, or you will be seen as incredibly selfish.

As an indie, you must never be selfish. That is also in the rule book.

Simply sign here and I'll get you your copy.

 Take care of me, and I'll take care of you. That's how this works, naturally. ;)


**Edited to add a couple things for the readers! lol! Thanks for bearing with us through all the insanity!

Here's some links to some free books by awesome authors you won't regret sampling! <g>
**ALL FREE click on covers** (You can find my free books in the sidebar)