Thursday, March 24, 2016

Literarily the WORST kind of authors and FIVE instances of asshatery

This could end up being a very long post, because there's a lot of waffle dicks out there, but I want to keep it short and light, so I'll name FIVE instances that will turn me off an author to the point that I add them to my NEVER read pile and put their picture up on my dartboard.


So let's get started.
 
5. Constant Ego Masturbators



These ones are actually kinda fun to watch, when you learn to spot them. Picture them getting soooo close to coming as they tell you about all their accomplishments. This often happens when you're having a regular, unrelated conversation, and they interrupt everyone to brag. Congratulating them is not enough, they need a certain number of strokes before they find release!

"Oh, you have a dog? I wrote an award winning book about a
Tasseled wobbegong! And I've been on three radio shows to talk about it, it's such an awesome piece of literary fiction. Have you read it yet? You really should. Charlie Sheen wrote a review for it...one second, I'll find it for you...'

Authors aren't the only ones who do this, but I go to enough events to see who the self-lovers are. Don't shake their hands, they haven't washed them yet.

4. The always ON 'BUYBUYBUY' robots.

I actually feel bad for these poor souls. Their smiles seem plastered on, and I always look for staples at either side of their lips. It looks painful! (The smiles, not the staples, though I imagine those would be too).

Look, I get it. Selling books is hard, yo! How else will anyone know they need to buy your book unless you tell them.

Repeatedly.

Slipping it into every single conversation.

OH! And btw, did I mention I have a book?

While we're talking about sex toys and dick sizes, it makes me think of this scene in my book!

You're eating chicken! My characters eat chicken too! Only, they're werebears, and don't cook them first. You should read the book! It's called 'Werebears fuck and EAT CHICKEN!'

3. The USERS


This one is tricky, because it's hard to know when someone is a user, who connects with others simply to further their own career, and who's just moved to a different place in their life. We've all had friends we haven't spoken to for long periods of time because life happens.

With friendship, what's awesome is reconnecting after years as if nothing's changed. I actually have a friend I haven't seen since high school, that might be coming to see me. Both exciting and terrifying!

And completely besides the point! lol

Anyway, for this one, I'm talking about the clear cut, 'Why are you talking to me? Do I know you?' type people.

When you meet a lot of people, it's completely understandable that after some time, you might not recognize someone. But if they were your BEST FRIEND when there was something in it for you?

You, my dear, are a waffledick.

This goes along with some of the cliquish behavior you see, and it's kinda sad. It was ugly in high school, and it doesn't get any prettier. I notice when authors behave this way toward other authors. Or readers.

I'd say 'OR WORSE' readers, but the funny thing is, most authors ARE readers. And when I see an author being a total dick to people they don't find useful? Ya, I don't care if their book would make me laugh, cry, and come harder than if I was getting tag teamed by Chrlie Hunnam and Jason Momoa, I won't touch it.

2. Drama Queens


 Life is hard.

Let me repeat that.

Life is VERY hard. It will fuck you every which way, and does it every use lube? Of course not! 

Thankfully, I like it rough. ;)

This one is kinda a double edged sword. Some people say authors should never bring up their personal struggles. At all. Ever. All readers care about it the books, right?

I disagree. I love seeing that the authors I follow are human. That they go through some of the same things I do, that they don't live in perfect worlds where sexy maids in little uniforms serve them all day while pool boys in thongs are used as footstools.

That would be kinda fun though...must work on getting me a few of those when I become a billionaire and take over the world!

*clears throat* Anywho, sharing and being relatable is good.

But I get tired of people who are always miserable. Yes, depression is a thing, and I hope anyone who feels they might have a problem gets the help they need. I also believe there are people who aren't depressed, they need attention. No happy 'YOU GO, GIRL! I love the cute stick figure you drew!' would work for them.

It always must be a 'I'm so sorry you stubbed your toe again. And that your hair iron broke. And your double double was served without double anything.' *sadface*

Worse than these are the authors that actually USE drama to sell books. But I won't get into that. Trying to decide who's genuine, and who's making things up to get sympathy sales is a slippery slope. There are signs though, and people do notice. It's the most disgusting thing you can do.

Does it work? IDK. It seems to, and I have noticed certain trends, but for me, the book needs to sell itself to a point. If I see you jumping through too many hoops to get attention, I start wondering if the best story you have to tell is the one about your cat being held for ransom.

I would totally donate to a fund for that though. I love cats!

1. Scary Crazy Fuckers


This one's the easiest! lol

If I see stories about you following reviewers to their house to threaten them? I ain't buying your books. I may offer some advice though.

Get professional help.

Some lesser cases of this has authors that will comment on every review, stalk fans on twitter, and attack anyone who says anything negative about their precious. They will go on rants, insulting readers, other authors, and claiming that their art is the only TRUE art and no one understands it because obviously, everyone who is not a fan is stupid.

They also have shrines in their office, covered with every rejection letter they've ever gotten. And a list of names of people to take their revenge on.

Actually, maybe I SHOULD check out their books. They could probably write a decent horror novel, filled with all their plans for the people who wronged them.

*shudder*

Do you agree with the list? Have any author crimes that you'd like to add? Let me know in the comments! :)

In less than TWO WEEKS I'll be in Atlanta! Hope to see some of you there! For those that can't make it, I'll take some pics and try to collect some swag so I can do a giveaway here.

Now, back to writing the next, great American novel!

Just kidding! lol! I'm just playing with Pisch and the triplets. But I'm having a blast and I can't WAIT to share this with you all!!! <3

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Gay For You and the real danger...

As I wrote this, I planned to save it. Put it aside for a bit and decide if I really want to post it at all. But I've never been a coward. And I'm not gonna hold my tongue now.

This whole situation is frustrating and as good at I am at the word thing, I'm not sure I have the right ones to express how I feel.

I've seen questions about this before, and to me, it was clear.

Can a woman have been with men, and now identify as a lesbian if she falls in love with a woman and only wants to be with that one woman for the rest of her life?

I would say yes. She can claim that identity. Maybe it wasn't how she felt ten years ago, but it is who she is today.

BUT WAIT! That ruins the whole idea of being born a certain way. You can't change who you are. She's bisexual. 

Now, in my opinion, THAT'S harmful. Someone else is choosing how she can identify.

She is only one person, but I don't think anyone has the right to decide who she is aside from her.

Love is a funny thing. It doesn't always follow the idea of right and wrong and easy. People have been fighting for a long time to be able to love openly, in whatever way works for them. It's an important fight.

Except, often, that fight is a beast that turns on its own and does more damage from within. 

Bisexuals have faced that for a long time. And this new fight is one that's pitting THEM against one another. The idea that a book, or a genre, has that kind of power is troubling. We are not letting people claim who they are, we are telling them what they can be.

If you're bisexual, clearly you've always been so. Science proves it. The spectrum only works when it can be used to claim the general point. If you fall close to the gay side, then you're on that side. Unless they say you're not.

Myself. I'm all kinds of wrong. I'm not monogamous. I've always been honest about that. Which means I must be a slut and have no place in any of these conversations. They're for the grownups that know only two people belong in a real relationship.

Yes, because erasing every non-monogamous person strengthens your point. Got it.

The GFY argument erases any possibility of love at first sight. Of a man or woman having been in happy, opposite sex relationships their whole life and then meeting that one person that changes things for them. They MUST then identify as bisexual. And they always were, right?

My issue with that is that is the same argument bisexual people have all the time. I CAN be bisexual, even though I'm only with one person. I can ALSO be bisexual and not have to choose. The freedom is what we've been fighting for.

I don't believe I get to take that freedom away from anyone because of my fight. If a woman gets a divorce, and falls in love with a woman who gives her everything she needs, she CAN identify as a lesbian. It's HER identity. She's not harming the bisexual, or the gay, community by doing so.

My readers come from all kinds of backgrounds. I've had MANY poly people tell me they appreciate how I write the subject. I don't write it like a fantasy, like it's something that could never happen. I write it like it could and DOES.

By doing so. I apparently hurt the bisexual image, because people assume all bisexuals want to party all the time and fuck everyone. I am so bad and wrong and thus, I will be shunned. Which is fine.

I'm bisexual, so I'm used to being told I'm confused.

Do you see how this all goes in a great big ugly circle? Where no one really fits unless they're doing things the 'right way'?

YOUR identity is your own. You have a right to claim it, in whatever way works for you. You can be monogamous, poly, gay, straight, and bi. And that may change. Science proves some people are born predisposed to be gay. And yes, they are born that way and should not be judged.

Should they be judged if they find love later in life? If they don't feel they were born that way? Does that erase the identity of those that were or is there only one argument that works for equality?

I don't believe there is. I don't believe there should be razor sharp lines cutting out anyone that doesn't fit into one idea of who belongs.

Discussions need to happen. Should those writing 'gay for you' be aware of more than just the idea of two hot guys fucking?

Absolutely.

Does that mean the stories have no place? No. Insta love has a place. Why? Because it happens. It doesn't make slowly developing love any less special. It's another flavor. Another way to find happiness.

There ARE men and women out there who found love and it changed them. And some authors see this as beautiful and want to write about it. You don't get to silence them because they don't fit with what you believe. There are labels, but the only people who get to claim them are the ones who want to. There's no stamp carrying god out there that chooses who MUST carry a certain label.

What is needed is acceptance. In real life. And right now I see the hatred being thrown at books making REAL people feel like they don't belong anywhere.

And that's wrong. That's damaging. And it has to stop.

Can the Cobras get some LOVE?

Ya, I know, you guys love them and that's awesome! <g>

I just wanted to give any super fans one last chance to get in on the uber love! 

I try not to do super promoeyish posts too often, so to make it up to those not wanting to buy anything, here's a sexy gif I'm using to inspire me while working on Line Brawl. ;)



And for those really paying attention? There's a little teaser at the bottom of the page. ;)

Anyway, so first thing:

https://teespring.com/CobraRoster#pid=14&cid=2537&sid=front
We've got the Cobra Roster shirt, only available for TWO more days! I did a bigger campaign to keep the price down, so we still need 2 more sold to reach minimum. 

I love doing these campaigns, because so many people ask for them, but I'm never sure which design I should put up. If there's one you'd like, or that you've seen and want me to do again, please let me know!

Click HERE to go grab the shirt! <3 

We also have some new playing cards if you're interested:

http://www.thedartmouthcobras.com/shop.html
 Go HERE to see all the available options.

Last, but not least, I'll be taking down the print order packages before I head to Atlanta. If you can't make it to events, this is the best way to get signed copies of the books:

Check out the options HERE.

And here's your teaser! <g>
Don't read if you don't like spoilers

LINE BRAWL (The Dartmouth Cobras #8)

©Bianca Sommerland

“Tell me what you’re thinking, Bruiser.”

Ian took a deep breath. “Well, I mean, Sahara is hot. And doing girls has never been an issue, but without you there, I would have been thinking about how tough she’s had it. Maybe wanted to hug her instead of let her suck my dick. But you took over. I didn’t have to wonder if I was doing the right thing. I trusted you to know.”

Pisch’s eyes darkened as his lips slid into a slow, dangerous smile. Dangerous to Ian anyway, because it meant Pisch had figured him out. “Good. That was perfect, my man. I know what you need. Thank you for being so honest with me.”

Moving away from Ian, Pisch undid his belt. Slid it free of the loops and folded it in his hand.

All right, he better not be thinking of hitting me with that. Ian frowned. His lips parted.

Pisch pointed at a chair. “Sit, Bruiser.”

He’d used the same tone he might with a dog. And Ian obeyed before even questioning if it bothered him. The hard, wood chair dug into the back of his thighs as he sat forward.

“Lean back and relax, Bruiser. This isn’t a fight.” Pisch smoothed his hand over Ian’s hair. “You want this. Even if you only want it for me, you do want it.”

All the tension in Ian’s body evaporated as he leaned back. Put that way, yeah, he wanted it. He rested against the back of the chair.

“Very good. Hands behind you…no, Ian. On the other side of the chair.” Pisch’s light tone made the embarrassment irrelevant as Ian put his hands in a place that made sense. Clasped around the back of the chair. His chest swelled at Pisch’s low hum of approval. “Fuck, you’re hot like this.”





Saturday, March 19, 2016

Let's be straight. Who can write LGBT?

Well, match yourself up to a letter.

There you go, you may now write about that letter and all it represents. But ONLY that letter because, naturally, you couldn't possibly understand anything beyond your own sexuality!

If that sounds ridiculous, you'll likely appreciate the rest of the post.

If it sounds perfect to you? Well, then write in your box. You have every right to do so.

But you don't get to drag anyone else into the box with you.



Romance is beautiful. Writers of romance should understand the very basics. There must be love. There must be a Happily Ever After or at least a Happily For Now. There must be a story.

That's it. Those are the only true requirements for writing romance.

You can argue that if you're writing about certain professions, or lifestyles, you should do enough research and speak to enough people involved to show respect to your subject matter. This gives a better story, and I know I lose interest in a book when the author is clearly using a trend because it's popular, but didn't bother trying to understand it.

But that's a completely different argument. You can be a straight, older woman, who's never had much of a sex life and write a damn sexy BDSM romance between two gay men.

Or you could be a 'Dom' that's been in the leather scene his entire life and write a really crappy story.

I know some people are grumbling at me now. Here's some sweet lady kisses to calm you down. <eg>

Better?

Anyway, the point is, there's so much more to writing a story than first hand experience. Some of the best NONFICTION books out there are written by people who interviewed those who were around an event, who met a legend, but the author is coming at the story from fresh angle. Starting with a blank page.

Does this mean you can't write a story about things that happened to you? Of course not! I am very good at writing shower and car sex for a reason. ;)

But to dismiss a good portion of the writing community because they couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be a gay man, or trangender, or bisexual...

It's ridiculous. We need all the voices. We need the stories, all sorts, from the sad to the erotic. From the funny ones to the action and suspense and the 'Somewhere in a galaxy far far away'.


As a bisexual woman, I should of course avoid perpetuating the stereotype of polyamory, only...I'm not monogamous. So what am I supposed to be writing then?

Whatever I damn well please. I will write menage. I will write about any characters my muse gives me, falling in love in whatever way works for them.


I get angry when I see gay men told to write tougher guys. Or more feminine ones. I hate hearing straight women informed they can't write bisexuals if they have no interest in the same sex. An author who's only into vanilla sex should of course avoid BDSM like the plague.

To all that I say...

BULLSHIT.

Write the best, most emotional, most heart-wrenching or passionate or comical story you can write.

The author is not the characters. The author is simply the artist who uses words to paint the men and women who whisper to their imagination into the story.

The story has no boundaries and the labels belong on the bookshelves. On the covers.

Not as red tape that limits the art.

If you're into any kind of restraints, make them the sexy kind. ;)

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

That's NOT a Ménage Romance!

You may not know this about me, but I love menage romance. I love it so much that I get kinda grumpy when I read a love triangle that would sooo make a better menage!

I'm looking at you Twilight.

There's just something about being forced to choose between two people you love that doesn't seem romantic to me at all. Yes, it happens in real life. Yes, a lot of people aren't into sharing.

And some people enjoy the angst and drama of a love triangle in fiction. You can cheer for the heroine to pick the 'right' guy, enjoy all the attention she's getting, and be happy you're not in that mess yourself.

Not my thing, but I get the appeal. A story like that can still have a Happily Ever After for all. Usually the third guy is really an asshole anyway, so no big deal him fading into the background.

But if you want to label a book as a ménage romance, at no point should any of the partners be stuffed away like a sex toy you're done using. If they're not part of the relationship in the end, it's not a ménage romance.

Now, I'm not trying to tell anyone how to write. I've read great books that made me grumble a little, where there was a hot threesome, cuddling, and then the story ended all monogamous. I was prepared because the story was always about those two characters, and they just like to party.

But look at it this way. Would you consider it a romance if you reached the end and the hero died?

Wait, that's a thing too now? But that's not a ROMANCE! It's a love story. A tragedy! Like Romeo and Juliet!

*sigh*

Ok, a rant for another day. Let's just say, as a reader, if I'm looking for a menage I need it to end as a menage. Other genres have certain expectations. Like a happy ending or at least a happy-for-now.

The appeal of a long lasting, poly relationship, is the idea of falling
in love with more than one person and being able to have it all. There will be struggles, like there are in real life. But it WORKS in real life. There are happy poly relationships out there. And if you're not aware of that, you probably shouldn't be writing menage.

I did say write what you want though, right?

Absolutely. But label it something else. I'm begging you!

I grabbed a menage not long ago that crushed me. Like, not in a good way. My trust was completely destroyed because I was naive enough to believe a review would have mentioned if one of the heroes, in a story labeled a menage romance, was going to DIE.

I checked. Not for that, obviously, since it didn't occur to me. What I WAS looking for was any indication that the story didn't end as a menage.

Didn't find anything. COOL!

Yeah...not cool at all. This story was called sexy. Dark. Erotic.

It had a tragic ending that felt glossed over. The 2nd guy was inconvenient. All of a sudden he was a horrible person, so killing him off was no big deal.

I kept waiting for him to come back.

To be okay.

He was playing dead, right? There had to be some explanation for what had just gone down....



Props to the author, because it was well written. Aside from the contrived removal of the spare, there was suspense, nicely developed characters, and an interesting storyline.

Strangely enough, that same book is now labeled suspense.

*smh*

I get it. Some authors seem to be doing very well writing menage and you want in on that. Kinky sex with multiple partners! You can now label your book MFM, MM, MF, MMMMFFFF, ALL THE FUCKING HAPPENS HERE!!!!

*pssst* You still didn't write a menage romance. Not if it ends with MF.

Not as far as I'm concerned anyway. I'm a reader who loves the genre. So I'll share books that I think my readers will enjoy.

And if they ask me, I'll tell them to avoid any book trying to jump on the imaginary band wagon like the plague.

Seriously, you want to hop on a trend? Try ANY of the MF ones. Make your book a Stepbrother Bear Motorcycle Billionaire who owns a dinosaur.

But leave our menage alone!



Monday, March 7, 2016

YOU GOTTA READ THIS! Reader reviews March 7th, 2016


Hell on Hells (audio version)
By Robyn Peterman
Narrated by Amanda Ronconi  
Reader purchased-February 12th, 2016 from audible *verified*


http://www.audible.com/pd/Romance/Hell-on-Heels-Audiobook/B01ACBDMJC
If you have read the kindle/print version than you don't want to miss this amazing story on audio. The narrator brings an amazing element to an already awesome story. The author does an amazing job of writing a story that is so snarky, fun and just freaking amazing. I laughed my butt off so many times while I was listening to this at times it was a little hard to drive I was laughing so hard. If you are a fan of Robyn Peterman do not miss this great audio version of one of her wonderful books. Can't wait to listen to the next one on audio.~Snoopyvet

Favorite Quote: "Um... they were cute in a hideous way. I'd have to say they looked like some of the characters from the show Friends. The other two looked like Abe Lincoln and Beyoncé." 

Reader suggestion: Do not read/listen to while eating as you may choke laughing your butt off!

Purshase Links:

http://www.audible.com/pd/Romance/Hell-on-Heels-Audiobook/B01ACBDMJC

http://www.amazon.com/Hell-Heels-Hot-Damned-Book-ebook/dp/B00MXOOXQ8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1457196295&sr=8-1&keywords=hell+on+heels


Saturday, March 5, 2016

Amazon is eating out reviews like a juicy...steak. I might have a solution ;)

That actually doesn't sound as unpleasant as it is, but I think there's enough negativity going around and I'm excited, so I naturally start referring to everything sexually! lol!

Yeah, it's a problem. ;)

Anyway, I've seen a lot of chatter on the great big virtual web that's trapped us all and helplessness isn't a good look for me. So I came up with an idea.

I'm hoping to put together a blog for reviews at some point, but for now, I'm going to do a segment here. Called 'You Gotta Read This!' 


There are tons of blogs out there, and they do an amazing job of spreading the word about some great books. But when it comes to less popular books, books that don't have the marketing or the established following to gain exposure, there's only one thing that can really give them a chance to shine.

And that's the READERS.

Most of you know this already. This is why you tell all your friends about your favorite books. Why you share posts from your favorite authors and do everything to show your support. The easiest way to do this has always been to write reviews.

Only...that's no so much an option anymore. Not if you're 'friends' with the author, which means being connected to them in any way online that might hit Amazon's radar.

But you BOUGHT the book. You should be able to review it no matter who you're friends with, right?

Ya, well tell that to Amazon and you'll likely lose EVERY SINGLE REVIEW you've EVER WRITTEN there. It's happened to a lot of people.

So my plan is to provide a place where readers have a platform. You buy a book, you love it, and you want to tell everyone. You want this author to keep writing books because THEY ROCK!

This won't be a regular review site because there will be no advanced copies, no advantage given to anyone. Reviews will be posted purely because they share the love of books with other readers.

Obviously, there will be a limit to how many reviews I can post, both here and in the blog I hope to start in the next month or so--it will depend on how popular the posts are and how many submissions I get. 

I welcome other authors or bloggers to contact me if they'd like to get involved and do a segment as well. Or get involved with the blog project. 

Depending on submissions, there will be up to 5 reviews a day posted, 3 times a week. Just fill out the form below to have your review considered.

Reviews will be chosen based on genuine excitement. They don't need to be crazy long, but if they don't tell other readers why 'YOU GOTTA READ THIS!' then they're not helping anyone. I wish I could have a place where readers could post good, bad, and middle ground reviews, but goodreads and other reviews sites handle that well enough. 

My main goal in this is to see books getting some fierce love.

And to find some great new reads myself! <g>

Please leave any questions in the comments! And Happy Reading--AND REVIEWING! :D